Thursday, July 15, 2010

Live, Love, Laugh, and Dance

There's no such thing as an ugly woman. There are only those who have not realized their full potential.
            --Arlene Dahl

Recently I received a lovely e-mail from a plus sized newer lolita. She has admired the lolita fashion from many years, but has only gained the confidence to wear lolita in the past few months. She told me that she fears negative comments from other girls about her size and has only ever attended one meet-up. This girl touched my heart. She really loves lolita fashion, but is afraid to wear it because of negative criticism.

So many forums and community which are meant to encourage and connect us are being used to intimidate newer members and dispirit those that do not fit into the mold of popular lolita standards. Rather than helping each other become the best lolitas we can be, we spend our time damaging each other's self esteem and ego. Constructive criticisms are negative or the commenter will say nothing to help and then leave a nasty comment on another website.

Questions such as "Can X-sized/skinned girls be a lolita?" or "Can a boy be a lolita?" are in my opinion futile. Fashion is an interactive art form. A way to express yourself and your interests. No one asks others if they are qualified to paint paintings, make sculptures, or play video games, and take up golf. It should not matter what others think as long as you are enjoying your life. If you want to wear lolita, do so. No matter your size, color, or gender there are no reasons you should allow others to damper you spirits and make you afraid to express yourself.

Usually the whole size issue starts a heated debate with redundant and bitter comments. The 'Real women have curves' argument is moronic. Women come in all shapes and sizes. Exclaiming this phrase in the middle of a weight/size debate just makes the commenter a sizist themself. Twiggy is as much a woman as Mia Tyler. And Natalie Laughlin is not more of a woman than Miranda Kerr. Plus sized lolitas aren't disgusting. Queen latifah is not disgusting. Nor are Kathy Najimy, Christina Schmidt, or Mae West. We have to be selective with the styles we chose to wear and have to spend more time on our outfit, hair, and make-up, but we can still look cute. Most brand items might not fit us, but there are plenty of other options such as offbrand items, replicas, and custom tailored items. Know when attending meet-ups that you will be outshone but petite lolitas. But that should not prevent you from going or being afraid to go.

One way to combat negative stigma is by boosting your self-esteem. Shows such as What Not To Wear and How to Look Good Naked can give you a self-esteem boot and give clothing tips. The more you believe in yourself the less other people's negative opinions will affect you. Another issue to watch out is self hatred. Listening to enough negative comments one starts to believe what is said and begins to think up more negative comments about himself or herself. You need to be beautiful on the inside as well as the outside. And if you are still worried about weight start exercising and eating healthy. This will make you feel good and you will lose weight as well.

image from: boyce voice


Mariko said...

Thank you! This post means a lot to me, being a plus sized girl. People don't realize how hard it is. When you are naturally thin, you don't have to worry as much about what you eat or how much you work out. Girls (guys too) who are heavy basically have to choose between completely changing their lifestyle, watching everything they eat, or being overweight. I've tried all of the diets out there. I try my best to eat healthy more often than not, I exercise regularly, and I am still overweight. (Although not as much as I used to be). The fact is, with any diet, even the healthy ones, that have really helped me loose weight, I am still hungry. I don't eat like a pig, I eat just like everyone else, but if I want to be thin, I have to be hungry. I've accepted this, and I've tried to find a middle ground between not trying and obsessing about what I eat. The point is, I think that girls who are naturaly thin just can't understand how hard that is. Thank you for pointing out how thin girls are real too! I hear the "real women have curves" thing a lot too, and I hate that. I've known girls who were accused of having an eating disorder just because they were thin. Real women are big and curvy, stick thin, black, white, other various earth tones, and we are all beautiful. I hated my body for a long time, and I still struggle with that, but I am doing better about taking care of it by eating healthy foods, exercising, etc. Even still, I'm plus sized, and that's ok. Thank you so much for this post, it was a welcome pick-me-up. Also, I love that picture! She's so pretty!

Lady Kristen said...

Mariko: I'm glad you liked my post. I too am a plus sized lolita so I understood where the girl is coming from. There are ways to lose weight without being hungry. I would suggest going to see a nutritionist. They can help you find filling foods that can help you lose weight or healthy snack foods.

Over the years I have learned that you just need to be content with the body you have. Nobody's body is prefect. We all have our flaws. You're welcome.

Anonymous said...

Over all I agree with this post and you bring up some very good points, but I have to disagree about one statement:
"Know when attending meet-ups that you will be outshone but petite lolitas. But that should not prevent you from going or being afraid to go. "

That is a very discouraging statement to give to plus size lolitas, especially after all that great encouragement you gave before. If in the back of her mind she's thinking "well, I won't be as cute as a petite lolita anyway" then why would she even try to attend? Not to mention just because a lolita has a smaller frame doesn't mean she knows how to dress it well. But like I said, the over all message is great and I really hope it helps some of the girls out there

Lady Kristen said...

I glad you liked my overall message. And thank you for your opinion. Yes, it might be a discouraging statement, but it is mostly true. I agree that not every petite lolita can coordinate well. However if you look at comments of meet-up pictures the petite lolitas get the majority of the comments. There is no use pretending that does not happen. The message of this post was to encourage those that do not fit the popular lolita standards. But also to encourage people to not let the opinions of others to bother them or prevent them from doing what they want.

Koneko said...

It's funny, isn't creating and finding beauty in everything is what Lolita is about? We are connected by our interests and fashion style and above all embrace individuality and make it our own, but still there are those out there who insist on sticking to there own rules and regulations. This is not a true Lolita. A true Lolita is a hat-tip to the Rococo era, where art had no meaning, it just was, and art and fashion were used to create beauty everywhere. If you are happy with the way you dress then so be it! Whether your curvy, skinny, regular- it doesn't matter, as long as you embrace that true Lolita spirit and seek the flower on the sidewalk.

Aki Cookie said...

This post is so incredibly inspiring!
Thank you for writing it so much!
I'll definitely send the link to this to all my self-conscious friends :3

Konan. said...

thank you for writing this post!
I can't fit anything from angelic pretty or other big brands, not because I'm plus sized, but because of my large bust and how tall I am.
I felt like I might be too big to be a lolita but this has helped me feel better about being a size "tall extra large"
I love that you encourage others to join the beauty of lolita! (:
thank you Lady Kristen!

Rosalynn said...

Dear Lady Kristen,

thank you for this entry! This kind of entries always help me a lot.

This issue has been brought up a lot lately, and I really like to read what other people think of it. A couple of weeks ago I found a survey about Lolitas and weight and some people commented on it. One comment, an anonymous one, said: 'I think only skinny girls can be Lolita'. I felt very offended. Any girl can rock the Lolitastyle, if she knows how to do it. You can shine when you feel good, and no one has to tell you that you're not skinny enough.

When I "decided" I wanted to become a Lolita, it gave me a boost to start my healthy diet. I didn't do it for others, but for myself. I wanted to look in the mirror and think 'I look good today'. I won't say I didn't care about other people's opininions, but it wasn't the major reason.
Now, I have lost quite some weight already and I just bought my first Lolitadress and -skirt.
I don't think I ever felt happier before!

Lady Kristen said...

Koneko: Excellent comment. I agree with you.

Lady Kristen said...

Aki Cookie: I'm glad you liked this post. I hope it can help whomever you send it to.

Konan.: You're welcome. I feel a woman should never feel bad about her body. We only get one in life and there is no point in going through our life hating it. Every woman should love their body.

Rosalynn: Congratulations on both the weightloss and purchase of your first lolita articles! I completely agree. When I got the e-mail I had to add my opinion as well. Congratulations again.