Monday, October 29, 2018

Hello, my name is Mommy.

Since my long hiatus, I have had 2 adorable little boys. A hilarious 3 year old and a snuggly 1 year old. Those two are my sun and moon. I cannot express how much I love those two and could not image life without them. I feel so privileged to have my two little guys call me Mommy. For 3 years they were my sole reason for living. All of my walking moments were focused on those two. ...I no longer mattered.

I lost myself. I was no longer Kristen, only Mommy. I had no interests, hobbies, or will to do things I once liked.  I did not see friends. I did not watch shows that I used to like. I did not touch a game or read a book. My clothing choices were whatever was clean. I no longer straightened my hair. I worried about how well others were eating, but I did not eat properly. If I was not with my boys, I was working or sleeping. I did not want to bother others with watching them, so I rarely got away for me time or a date night. While I was aware that my life would change after the birth of my babies, nothing could prepare me for how much. I neglected myself. I let myself fall to the lowest priority.

I cannot say when was the exact moment I came to my senses. But I feel like I woke up from a dream I had no control over. This is not to say that I have regrets about having my children. Certainly not! I have regrets about  how little valued my well-being. If I were able to do it all over I would change the way I treated myself. I would make sure that I was happy with myself. A happy mother makes for happier children, which makes for a happier home.

So I have made a promise to never lose myself again. I can be a mother and be myself at the same time. It will take work, but my happiness and well-being are important. I will wake up early for me time. I will be more accepting of help from others. I will not feel horrible about taking time to enjoy a quiet dinner and movie with my loving husband. I will read and take walks during my lunch breaks. And manage to stay awake once the babies are asleep to watch a show or movies with my husband. I will no longer be just Mommy. I am my own person. My name is Kristen, and I am the mother of two charming little men. I am not my first priority, but I will certainly no longer be my last.

image from: pixabay

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